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Lindajayne Female Horsham West Sussex United Kingdom: Share

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Started this discussion. Last reply by Jill Nov. 3, 2008.

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Lindajayne commented on Jill's blog post 'THIS NEEDS YOUR IMMEDIATE ATTENTION'

Nice One was up all night researching books to order online from my local library rather than buy as on a low income and fell right in to this one..April Fool AM I OR WHAT lol ? OK just tired after LONG NIGHT! Thanks ...best regards to you all my fr…

April 1

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Hometown and Country

Horsham West Sussex UK

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It's Complicated

About Me and my Creativity.

I am 45 and a Mum to 2 daughters Catherine & Rebecca. I am also a grandma to 3.
I suffer from chronic anxiety & depression due to physical long term illness's endometriosis Celiac Disease Auto immune food sensitivities. People whom have confided do not fully understand others are unaware aware I have? Often feel too warn down to explain.Had long term expossure to some nasty traumatic (childhood )as well as adulthood negative experiences due to husband’s serious accident some years back and the knock on after mass of it all? He was extremly ill with PTSD and complications long term trying to recitify his illness through lack of proper diagnosis care from his work or his extended family and friends whom left in droves as he deteriated?
I nearly lost Rebecca when she was 14 my Mum never bothered to help me when I called her, It took me a whole week fighting for Becky as the hospital misdiagnosed her 4 times tried to send her home. A week later I was still battling medics and refused to take her home. The stress was simply awful. I needed my Mum then badly. I had to get on without her help as usual come crisis or not! The Dr decided after I angrily refused to take her home to shut me up (neurotic mother) by giving her the CAT SCAN I begged for as said was not happy with the x-ray only. I was right as she had a brain Cavernous haematoma the size of an orange and without an op would possibly die at any time. So we spent 2 weeks at the Atkinson Morley in London not knowing if she would live or die. Then after her op a further year walking about with emergency bleepers pagers in case she had a relapse and suffered long term after effects like epilepsy. My Mum only eventually showed up at the hospital with sally after few days. I felt it was Sally who encouraged Mum to be there. I don't know why to this day she has never put herself out for me in any crisis situation have endured. I don't bother to speculate any more, as have long decided that my family let me down too many times. So had to be independent but at a huge cost to my mental health and well being not to mention the many years the girls missed cards presents and acknowledgements from her. Mum always told me she had no time no money always some excuse. Yet the others she nurtured and ran round and bailed out of troubles. I longed to be wanted loved and reassured and have my extended family close but not at the price of needing to compete for attention and resources.

My husband & best friend David had a car crash at work year. He went off to work one person came back quite another. He has never recovered or been the same since. So understand grief & loss. We endured a 10 year living hell. With his PTSD drinking violence and over medicating.All unseen un heard of before that tragic accident in 1997 whilst on duty as a police officer.He was driving a police vehicle that was unsafe to be on the road unknown to him.after his accident the police were totally unsupportive of the real impact on him or us.It was excruciating to feel humiliation discrimination and abuse by his superiors who saw his mental decline something to mock and judge and cover up.As to the police car being unsafe and Davids legal pursuit too became a huge cover up and was rail roaded away from the courts in London the local and media press no doubt deemed too embarrassing too damaging to his police force nationally as well as locally,Not to mention the manufacturers potential losses nationally & internationally if news leaked out,His civil case was not the only police case with this line of vehicle being responsible for fatal accidents in regard to policemen drving them.I was approached by civil workers whom knew of other legal pursuits that were also corrupted to prevent justice being carried and responsibility being taken seriously for the bad dangerous flaw in design and production.The struggle to deal carry on despite my own reservations was such a huge weight.The legal case was dreadful. Caused much long term stress on each of us, The lack of help support or understanding from the police force or anyone in the family or locally in the community just ware us down further. My daughters were teased at school bullied and victimised. They were scarred traumatised emotionally. The guilt of not being able to properly protect them enormous.On top of this my sister Sally was seriously struggling with long term illness.Then Becky at 14 my eldest daughter nearly died of a cavernous haematoma which she took a couple of years to recover fully from.Davids illness is like a living death still today and has left me with a living bereathment 24/7 nursing .I was forced to give my university degree up to do it. He was suicidallly depressed and we had to be rescued by his own colleagues from the police force when he had many publically humilliating relpses set backs that needed us to call emergency services whom then automatically called the police (his old force). How degrading humiliating and what a letdown from them and him due to illness and trauma. He thought Becky’s nearly dying was punishment for his accident (when his police car brakes failed and a pedestrian was killed?)The police then corrupted his civil law case against them after 7 long years of hell to get to court for his injury and our losses his career as well as mine. He was bullied in to accepting a minimal pay out that wasn't enough to even cover a years pay,not to mention cover legal fees,not all of which were paid for by police federation.he was told if he did not accept the money he would have to find funds to pursue the legal case on top of it he would have to do so within a few hours not days a impossibility itself.The let down by the legal process and the huge corrption led to more illness.Not to mention was enormously distressing on us an s a family unit .All having far reaching long term impact on his illness has had and on each of us his family. My extended family have not helped at all. Many people have wrongly judged us.Its very hard and like many so called friends and when adversity knocked at our door they left.
Depressive episodes leave me exhausted insecure by its unpredictable nature and unable to simply brush it off and get on with simple every day things people take for granted.everything slows right down and my memory plays games,not just the occassional forgetfulness but total blamks and markedly reduced ability to concentrate,can feel absolutely no pleasure or sense of direction or hope can not look forward and see a future at all.To be flooded and menatlly limited feels like slow suffication,all of which does not emcompass the terror of cycling anxiety and suicidal thoughts.It is a dangerous isolating place to be depression.I whip myself daily with the positive and negative remarks that other people say to me in the hope I expect that it serves to help in some way or rid me of the doom and gloom.Things like snap out of it or come on women get yourself together,play games with my mind and often remind me how inadequately eqipped must be that just not that simple.Depression is unpredictable unresponsive and doesn't keep a diary or arrive at a convenient time doesn't come with a remote control or magic wand.I wish.
It invades you when least aware,like having a huge weight drop on you that lug about trying to free the self from.The love and emotional appeals do not register but fall on numbness and feel baron.The mind will accpet complete nothingness and then you feel guilty that can't function or plan like other people outwardly do each day.The normal is unreachable and not tanglible feels out of sync and out of reach.An a biss.
My husband PTSD and other problems amplify my own vulnerbilities and enhance the feeling depressed no matter how hard try some days it is a struggle just to stay safe and alive.Just to be here.
So i say "Thus Far" becasue it makes me realsie despite illnesses set backs managed to get thus far and it grounds me.
My heart goes out to people who have had and have real trauma and adversity to contend with battle through.My heart goes out to anyone suffering a menatl illness.A Physical illness and more often both.On top of all these lays a important resource one that I try to cling on to,the human spirit,not religeous belief or belifes but whether indeed we are all here to learn individaul life lessons and hopefully become more spiritually evolved as part of a process planned by some intelligable designer?Who knows,I do know this life has and continues to test my sense of spiritualness and if a separate mind exsists when we move on in to a next world?As Sting songs suggests "We Are Spirit In A Material World"?
When my sister died two years ago set me on a terrible crisis of belief voided my ability to even hope or emcomplish the afterlife debates,
Just too much hog wash about kept telling myself and constantly scrutinised questioned my spiritual beliefes and value system.I am still very much doing that.HOPE & FAITH do not comfort me like they use to and feel hugely inadequate to say the least not something am proud of either,and it makes me sad and empty not to have that comfort to bathe lifes wounds with.I felt like went to the spiritual airport when she passed waved good bye and no concrte validation to say from the spirit world "don't worry I am OK and all is well now here on the other side" has not arrived by post card or any other means.Expect a medium would laugh at that.of course we should not rely on answers at the drop of a hat or when we are needy and demand one?
My Mum has throat and lympathic cancer now and she has under gone chemo and radio therapy.She is angry and in pain and there is a limit to what I personally can do to assist her with this process.I am dreading another loss and sad that just as people get closer to forming an understanding of ones life in regard to thier own and how we affect each others lives then it all seems to come to an end,just as a closeness begins that wasn't there for years? Just as accpet eveything and reject nothing and forgive our human natures idiosyncronies and the casue and effects we have had ebdured then it simply comes to what feels without spiritual validation a HAULT? Dumb founded am I and left once more to specuatle wonder and grieve.
Life is the strangest process.
I have added some new photo's and can see the next generation already having hurdles each thier own to jump.The days can feel a need to be here for the sake of my daughters,my very sick husband and my grand daughters and grandson are plus's and hope they are the medication that spurs us on?My thoughts go out to people from all walks of life it is true that saying despite conflicts and dissagreements we all are flesh blood and have more in common than not.We are all vulnerable more so than we often believe or experience until life tests us and those things taken for granted a long wit the resourcefulness and resources at our dispossel.

Story continues...where left off took a roadside break....sorry ...this needs editing to follow some order,,,

I was left to pick up the mess of our shattered family life and career loss's (due to illness) then I to became ill through nursing him 24/7 with no holidays,assistance and having to cope being Mum & Dad as he was too ill to cope or contribute properly but caused more hardship and distress.We love each other dearly and are very much family orienentated but only human and life set us a huge task battling with many traumas all close together and of huge impact.My Long term chronic ill health (surgical operations) his illness no doubt all helped contribute to my own fall in to depression. Made worse by judemenatl critical uncompassionate understnading awareness help or access to outside resources to cope so without that initial help and no extended family support it still continues to be very hard making much progress or a full recovery as seem to often relapse which is so very frustrating and debilitating.I am sad to say not least bit proud that still not presently involved in any work. I did believe whole heartedly that work is a great thing if your willing able have skills that are up to date but most important wellness to cope? I miss those things dearly every day which eats away at the self esteem and leaves me feeling exposed to judgement critism from people who are fit and well and had few set backs who seem unable to fully comprehend the scale and enormaty of the long term effects things all round had had on myself but my whole family unit.Each of whom suffered a huge loss.After years taking good care of others nursing them through adversity and being traumatised by their illness's took its toll on my own just became way too much ,many stressors demands and terrible times hardships bled me emotionally physically spiritually and mentally. With no one else to talk to turn to lean on or ask for help it wore me in to the ground.All make me fully empathise a great deal with the setbacks hard ships struggles other people genuinely have in day to day survival. I am hugely aware now the appauling lack of insight care and understanding of illness its physical mental and spiritual. I care deeply about my family and my loved ones and understand the concept of separating the person from their illness and focusing on that during difficult confrontational experiences when resourcefulness is tested fully and exhausted. I wish anyone going through traumas sickness ill health the best care advise and help they can find welcome and receive.

Likes and Dislikes

computers photo editing movies out caffee lattee every day
walks music when in mood and its right kind.love my grand children but
dont want to be around other peoples kids as they irritate me.
Love sunshine warm days spent at a cafe in a park,or a stroll round shopping mall
hate rain cold

Do you have any disabilities that affect your creativity?

depressive illness

Where did you hear about Creative Cafe? If you heard about Creative Cafe from another member please say who as those recruiting most new members will win prizes.

friend forwarded link about site

Any other News?

Love using photoshop CS2 CS3 Paint shop Photo ProX1
Adobe Elements 4 and 5
any image editing sofware programme to restore old warn out damaged photo's
images is a challenge I enjoy.

Hello Everyone
Happy Christmas & have a wonderful New Year Kindness
is the greatest gift doesnt cost a thing'.Its the simple pleasures that keep me grounded and during hard times resourceful not the big plans or future dreams, I am grateful for the ability to understand that concept.Its so easily forgotton isn't it? Here's hoping you all experience kindness and a few simple pleasures.
One of my simple pleasures is going for a walk and a cheap coffee and time to sit and rest a few minutes to reflect.
Whats yours?

Wishing you all the best Linda x

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At 3:34pm on December 31, 2008, Leslie Wilson-Rutterford said…: MySpace Comments: Chromaluna.com
I don't know you very well, but really appreciate your honesty and forthrightness in sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear about all your pain and suffering. I am compelled to tell you about the buddhism I have practiced for 20 years. Have you ever heard of Nichiren Daishonin's Buddhism? You chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo and reveal the Buddhahood inside you (that everyone possesses without exception), bring out wisdom, compassion and courage, and transform any hardship and suffering. If you want to know more, contact me, or visit: SGI-UK This can truly, truly help you.
I hope the New year brings you hope, confidence, courage and happiness.
All the best,
Leslie

At 7:32pm on December 21, 2008, Jill said…: Happy Holidays to you

Glitter Graphics

At 1:25pm on November 3, 2008, Jill said…: Hi Lindajayne

I saw you had updated your profile and clicked to have a look. Then I read your story. You have certainly had a terrible lot to cope with in the last years. I hope your daughter is all right now. And I hope your husband is improving as well. It must be very frustrating not to get proper compensation for his accident. And no wonder your own health has suffered. It is very important to have support which you have needed but have not had enough of. I do hope things improve for you soon. I'll be thinking of you and if you ever want any help just leave me a comment.

Bye for Now
Jill

At 11:14pm on October 29, 2008, Jill said…: Glitter Graphics

At 12:50pm on October 29, 2008, Leslie Wilson-Rutterford said…: Create cool Profile Comments

Hope you have a good Halloween weekend! All the best, Leslie

At 9:30pm on October 18, 2008, Jill said…: glitter-graphics.com

At 11:29am on June 23, 2008, Jill said…: Hi

I'm a bit late for Midsummer now but here is Vivien Leigh as Titania in a Midsummer's Nights Dream for you anyway.

glitter-graphics.com

At 2:28pm on June 8, 2008, Jill said…: glitter-graphics.com

At 1:33pm on May 29, 2008, Jill said…: Hi Lindajayne

If you would like to add yourself to the map I have put up it is HERE

Hope all goes well.
Bye for Now
Jill

At 2:03pm on April 19, 2008, Jill said…: Hi Lindajayne

Havn't heard from you for a while so wondered how you are getting on lately? It would be nice to hear your news.

My hip started playing up a few days ago so I have been hobbling around to the sounds of some sarcastic remarks like 'Come on Paula Radcliffe'! They think it is funny but it is quite painful unless I don't move!

Hope to hear from you anyway.
Bye for Now
Jill